nymeria_dw (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
nymeria_dw) wrote2011-09-18 05:02 pm
nymeria_dw) wrote2011-09-18 05:02 pm
Entry tags:
To sleep, perchance to dream...
TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO DREAM
A Farscape Fanfiction
Written for TerraFirma's 56th Starburst Challenge
Disclaimer: Farscape and its characters don't belong to me - I'm just borrowing them for a little while...
Rating: PG
Setting and Spoilers: after PKW
****************************************************************************************
Ship's night is always quieter, the corridors more deserted and silent than they are during daytime. It hardly matters that darkness rules in space, or that words like 'night' and 'day' have little meaning there. The night cycle possesses a feel all of its own.
You slip out of your quarters on bare feet, putting on boots only outside the portal to avoid any noise that could disturb your sleeping wife and child. Knowing that Aeryn will wake up soon nonetheless, some unfathomable instinct letting her know your side of the bed is empty.
You walk with soft steps along the corridor, Moya's deep rumble an underlying thrum in the silence. Each night it's the same, each night you find yourself awake, staring at the darkness, unable to get back to sleep unless you keep roaming the tiers for an arn or two, or three, until exhaustion finally claims you.
As if with a will of their own, your feet take you to Pilot's den, a few DRDs scuttling to and fro on the walkways, tireless in their activities.
"Do you still have trouble sleeping, John?" The gentle creature's voice is even, but his eyes look at you with something resembling worry.
"Yeah." You smile to show the annoyance in you tone is not directed at the inquiry. "What's up? Anything interesting goin' on?"
"No, nothing at all." A slight pause. "Is something bothering you? You have not had a full night's sleep since–" Pilot pauses delicately.
"–since I came back from the dead, you mean?" Again the deprecating smile. "Maybe I slept too much and this is the payback, who knows?"
"Perhaps. But it's not healthy all the same. You look fatigued, John."
"When did you start calling me 'John' instead of 'Commander'? Hey, not that it bothers me, I like it!" Sitting on the edge of the console, you swivel your legs around to face the big creature. Your friend. "I'm just curious, that's all."
"I… have no idea. It just… happened. Diversion aside," Pilot slants his head sideways, fixing you with huge amber eyes, "you should do something about your sleeplessness. Maybe Noranti–"
"No. Frelling. Way! I've had my fill of her potions and powders!" A tired sigh. "Sorry, didn't mean to shout at you…"
"No harm done John." Despite his kindness, Pilot is relentless. "Yet something is bothering you and Noranti could help you find out what it is."
"I don't need to find–" You all but bite your tongue, aware that tiredness made you slip and that Pilot caught that. Of course.
"Then what is it? Is it something I can help you with?" One of his claws brushes gently against your arm. "Zhaan used to say that shared burdens feel lighter…"
"And where's your upholstered couch, Doctor Freud?"
Pilot lets the non-sequitur wash over him, too used to your language quirks to fret over them anymore. For some reason this makes you feel better and you suddenly wish for a couple of cold beers to ease up the words, as it used to happen with DK, several lifetimes ago.
"It's the bad thoughts, Pilot," the words tumble out when the silence and Pilot's waiting gaze become too much to bear, "all the possible ways it could have gone so horribly wrong…"
"I– I'm afraid I don't understand."
"What I did. That huge, frelling wormhole. The big mouth that could have swallowed us all in one big gulp." Damn if a beer would be good, now! Or two, or three…
"But it didn't." Pilot looks at you uncomprehendingly. "You stopped the war. You forced Peacekeepers and Scarrans to sign a peace treaty."
"What if they hadn't listened?" You whisper the words, yet your voice is strained, like that of a man striving not to scream, or cry, or both. "What if I they had, but I had not stopped that… thing? What would have happened then?" Breathing is an effort, the weight on your chest feeling more oppressive by the microt. "This is what keeps me awake, Pilot."
"Isn't it pointless to wonder about what might have been?"
"It's not to me. Every time I close my eyes, all I see is death and destruction. The lives that were lost because of me. The ruins I left in my wake. The– the might have been. That's what scares me most. You know why, Pilot? Because I was so mad, so frelling, hot-blooded crazy that I would have blown up the entire universe just to get everyone off my back!"
"You were cornered, desperate. Even I failed to understand there was nothing else to be done, not until Aeryn made me see…"
"But the hand on the trigger was mine, dammit! I was the one who–"
"You do what you have to do." The voice startles you so much you almost jump out of your skin. "When you are in the midst of a battle, you fight with the weapons you have."
"How long have you been listening in?" Under the surprise, and the almost-shame of having been caught in that moment of weakness, lies the joy of seeing her - your warrior princess, your strength and the best part of your soul.
"Enough." She's never been one to splurge on words. A few quick strides along the walkway bring her close to you. "You should have told me."
"And then what, babe? Dumping the whole sorry mess on you would not have made the bad thoughts go away."
"Oh, I would not be so sure…" As she speaks, you're aware that Pilot is watching the two of you intently, enthralled. Should we start selling tickets? But any consideration vanishes when a mischievous smile blossoms on Aeryn's face, the kind of smile that lights up your whole world. "I could have beaten them out of you."
The irrepressible laughter feels good, the weight on your chest lifting a little. "As if you ever needed an excuse to beat the dren out of me!"
She turns serious, though. "Pilot is right. You should not blame yourself for what happened. There was no other choice. You were given no other choice."
Taking her face in your hands, running your fingers through her hair, you lean your forehead on hers - the shared gesture of oneness and comfort. You don't care that Pilot and Moya are witnessing this private moment: they are part of your life just as she is, and right now all you can see is the depth of her gaze.
"Each time I close my eyes," your voice is barely above a whisper, "I see flames consuming everything. I see you, the baby, everyone I care about being swallowed by the monster I've created. I know that we came this close–" thumb and forefinger held just a hairsbreadth away from each other.
She grabs your hand, closing her own over it. "And then we walked away." Bedrock certainty comes from her in waves, lending strength to your soul. "Don't lose yourself in the past, or in the possible futures. Now is all that matters. Remember that." Practical wisdom, that's what she is in a nutshell. And forgiveness. She just gave you what you could not grant yourself.
Exhaustion suddenly settles over you like a blanket, and for once it feels good, like an embrace you can sink in. It's as if her words had shattered your fears, reducing them to smithereens. "Let's go to bed, then. I feel like I could sleep for days on end…"
"You have only until tomorrow." Her smile is like a beacon in the darkness. The radiant Aeryn Sun. "We have something important to do."
"Have you chosen a name for the baby, then?" Pilot's gentle inquiry penetrates the private bubble around you and your wife, barely disturbing it.
"Yeah, we did." You smile at Pilot, circling Aeryn's waist with an arm and drawing her close. "I think you and Moya will like it."
"Let's go and get some sleep, now." She steers you toward the portal.
"Sure, Boss. Whatever you say." The bad thoughts have gone. At least for today. "G'night Pilot. Thanks for the chat."
"You're welcome John. You're always welcome."
Ship's night is always quieter, yes. But now it feels peaceful too.
A Farscape Fanfiction
Written for TerraFirma's 56th Starburst Challenge
Disclaimer: Farscape and its characters don't belong to me - I'm just borrowing them for a little while...
Rating: PG
Setting and Spoilers: after PKW
****************************************************************************************
Ship's night is always quieter, the corridors more deserted and silent than they are during daytime. It hardly matters that darkness rules in space, or that words like 'night' and 'day' have little meaning there. The night cycle possesses a feel all of its own.
You slip out of your quarters on bare feet, putting on boots only outside the portal to avoid any noise that could disturb your sleeping wife and child. Knowing that Aeryn will wake up soon nonetheless, some unfathomable instinct letting her know your side of the bed is empty.
You walk with soft steps along the corridor, Moya's deep rumble an underlying thrum in the silence. Each night it's the same, each night you find yourself awake, staring at the darkness, unable to get back to sleep unless you keep roaming the tiers for an arn or two, or three, until exhaustion finally claims you.
As if with a will of their own, your feet take you to Pilot's den, a few DRDs scuttling to and fro on the walkways, tireless in their activities.
"Do you still have trouble sleeping, John?" The gentle creature's voice is even, but his eyes look at you with something resembling worry.
"Yeah." You smile to show the annoyance in you tone is not directed at the inquiry. "What's up? Anything interesting goin' on?"
"No, nothing at all." A slight pause. "Is something bothering you? You have not had a full night's sleep since–" Pilot pauses delicately.
"–since I came back from the dead, you mean?" Again the deprecating smile. "Maybe I slept too much and this is the payback, who knows?"
"Perhaps. But it's not healthy all the same. You look fatigued, John."
"When did you start calling me 'John' instead of 'Commander'? Hey, not that it bothers me, I like it!" Sitting on the edge of the console, you swivel your legs around to face the big creature. Your friend. "I'm just curious, that's all."
"I… have no idea. It just… happened. Diversion aside," Pilot slants his head sideways, fixing you with huge amber eyes, "you should do something about your sleeplessness. Maybe Noranti–"
"No. Frelling. Way! I've had my fill of her potions and powders!" A tired sigh. "Sorry, didn't mean to shout at you…"
"No harm done John." Despite his kindness, Pilot is relentless. "Yet something is bothering you and Noranti could help you find out what it is."
"I don't need to find–" You all but bite your tongue, aware that tiredness made you slip and that Pilot caught that. Of course.
"Then what is it? Is it something I can help you with?" One of his claws brushes gently against your arm. "Zhaan used to say that shared burdens feel lighter…"
"And where's your upholstered couch, Doctor Freud?"
Pilot lets the non-sequitur wash over him, too used to your language quirks to fret over them anymore. For some reason this makes you feel better and you suddenly wish for a couple of cold beers to ease up the words, as it used to happen with DK, several lifetimes ago.
"It's the bad thoughts, Pilot," the words tumble out when the silence and Pilot's waiting gaze become too much to bear, "all the possible ways it could have gone so horribly wrong…"
"I– I'm afraid I don't understand."
"What I did. That huge, frelling wormhole. The big mouth that could have swallowed us all in one big gulp." Damn if a beer would be good, now! Or two, or three…
"But it didn't." Pilot looks at you uncomprehendingly. "You stopped the war. You forced Peacekeepers and Scarrans to sign a peace treaty."
"What if they hadn't listened?" You whisper the words, yet your voice is strained, like that of a man striving not to scream, or cry, or both. "What if I they had, but I had not stopped that… thing? What would have happened then?" Breathing is an effort, the weight on your chest feeling more oppressive by the microt. "This is what keeps me awake, Pilot."
"Isn't it pointless to wonder about what might have been?"
"It's not to me. Every time I close my eyes, all I see is death and destruction. The lives that were lost because of me. The ruins I left in my wake. The– the might have been. That's what scares me most. You know why, Pilot? Because I was so mad, so frelling, hot-blooded crazy that I would have blown up the entire universe just to get everyone off my back!"
"You were cornered, desperate. Even I failed to understand there was nothing else to be done, not until Aeryn made me see…"
"But the hand on the trigger was mine, dammit! I was the one who–"
"You do what you have to do." The voice startles you so much you almost jump out of your skin. "When you are in the midst of a battle, you fight with the weapons you have."
"How long have you been listening in?" Under the surprise, and the almost-shame of having been caught in that moment of weakness, lies the joy of seeing her - your warrior princess, your strength and the best part of your soul.
"Enough." She's never been one to splurge on words. A few quick strides along the walkway bring her close to you. "You should have told me."
"And then what, babe? Dumping the whole sorry mess on you would not have made the bad thoughts go away."
"Oh, I would not be so sure…" As she speaks, you're aware that Pilot is watching the two of you intently, enthralled. Should we start selling tickets? But any consideration vanishes when a mischievous smile blossoms on Aeryn's face, the kind of smile that lights up your whole world. "I could have beaten them out of you."
The irrepressible laughter feels good, the weight on your chest lifting a little. "As if you ever needed an excuse to beat the dren out of me!"
She turns serious, though. "Pilot is right. You should not blame yourself for what happened. There was no other choice. You were given no other choice."
Taking her face in your hands, running your fingers through her hair, you lean your forehead on hers - the shared gesture of oneness and comfort. You don't care that Pilot and Moya are witnessing this private moment: they are part of your life just as she is, and right now all you can see is the depth of her gaze.
"Each time I close my eyes," your voice is barely above a whisper, "I see flames consuming everything. I see you, the baby, everyone I care about being swallowed by the monster I've created. I know that we came this close–" thumb and forefinger held just a hairsbreadth away from each other.
She grabs your hand, closing her own over it. "And then we walked away." Bedrock certainty comes from her in waves, lending strength to your soul. "Don't lose yourself in the past, or in the possible futures. Now is all that matters. Remember that." Practical wisdom, that's what she is in a nutshell. And forgiveness. She just gave you what you could not grant yourself.
Exhaustion suddenly settles over you like a blanket, and for once it feels good, like an embrace you can sink in. It's as if her words had shattered your fears, reducing them to smithereens. "Let's go to bed, then. I feel like I could sleep for days on end…"
"You have only until tomorrow." Her smile is like a beacon in the darkness. The radiant Aeryn Sun. "We have something important to do."
"Have you chosen a name for the baby, then?" Pilot's gentle inquiry penetrates the private bubble around you and your wife, barely disturbing it.
"Yeah, we did." You smile at Pilot, circling Aeryn's waist with an arm and drawing her close. "I think you and Moya will like it."
"Let's go and get some sleep, now." She steers you toward the portal.
"Sure, Boss. Whatever you say." The bad thoughts have gone. At least for today. "G'night Pilot. Thanks for the chat."
"You're welcome John. You're always welcome."
Ship's night is always quieter, yes. But now it feels peaceful too.
no subject
no subject
*wave* *hug*
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no subject
There's a special place in my heart reserved for Pilot, so it's tremendously gratifying to hear I've treated him as well as he deserves...
**good vibes**