nymeria_dw (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
nymeria_dw) wrote2010-09-08 10:04 pm
nymeria_dw) wrote2010-09-08 10:04 pm
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AERYN'S JOURNEY # 28 - TWICE SHY
AERYN'S JOURNEY - TWICE SHY
(a Farscape Fanfiction)
Author: Nymeria
Disclaimer: the Farscape universe and its characters do not belong to me - I'm just borrowing them for a little while.
Rating: PG
Setting: Season 4 Episode 14
=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*
"You know what the worst part of this is? You and me... we never could get it together. Now we never will."
There is truth in these words, of the naked, painful kind that strikes right on target.
How many times did we come within a dench of reaching our goal, just to have that chance stolen from us by some cruel twist of fate?
Fate meant for us to be together.
No, it meant to deceive us into believing it, just to laugh in our faces when we failed. Like now.
Oh, I know we've been weakened by that creature, robbed of our inner strength, sucked dry like so many kohna fruits. As I know we should keep resisting, not surrender any more ground than we already did.
But it's so hard. Exhaustion consumes us with an intensity that's second only to despair: I've lost the will to fight, as John has lost hope - an awful sight to behold.
"Aeryn I– I can't– I can't keep up. Go without me."
Before this, I would have lashed out in frustration, but I can't summon that kind of strength anymore, not even to goad him a little further.
That's the measure of my emptiness: I hardly challenge his plea, and comply with the barest of soul-tugs while I watch his prone form grow smaller in the distance.
We are going to be fine.
Somehow we made that real. By some incredible twist of good fortune we managed to survive once more and cheat fate.
And I'm back to myself, strength and anger flowing through my veins like fuel, my duty clear and my mission waiting to be carried out. No further delays. No more distractions.
I figure a relationship - the kind we're not having - is based on trust.
I did not tell you about the poppers. You did not tell me about the baby.
The time for silences is now over.
"Do you have any idea what you've done?" Frontal assault.
Waving the innocent-looking pod in front of John's face I feel this is the right approach: not the silent fury I used earlier, when I was still trying to deal with my pent-up emotions, nor the explosive, spider-induced rage that made me strike out at him.
"You won the coin toss." The distance in the voice does not match what I glimpse in the eyes, despite John's efforts to hide it. Why?
"But we lost. Didn't we?" Frelling fate! How long are we going to dwell on past mistakes? Or let them rule the future?
"Aeryn. It's over." I was taking that crap from Noranti…to forget you.
"So your mind is now so full of this dren that you can't even see straight." Is this the way you were testing yourself, working out what you really wanted?
"Move on, Aeryn." Again, the strained pleading at the bottom of his gaze that clashes with his words and their delivery. But I'm too furious to question it, I've held back too long, waited too long to let it distract me.
"You see, I did everything, everything I could to keep us together." Molded myself into a shape that did not fit me. Forced myself to watch and wait when my instincts screamed for action. Made myself weak. "I did exactly what you told me to do and the whole time you have been cheating!"
"Yeah, I'm the coward. Move on. It's over." Once more the mixed signals, the words saying one thing and the body language another. The eyes averted so I can't read them.
There can be only one explanation: the drug the old woman has been dosing him with must have frelled with his brain. This is going to end. Right now.
"I'm gonna tell you how this is gonna go from now. You are going to stop sniffing this dren!" You will not let it dictate what you want and feel and need. You will not surrender yourself to it anymore.
"Pilot! My comms are a bit buggy. Can you test the system please?" Despite my protests to the contrary, this sudden about-face leaves me speechless and worried - no, terrified that John might truly have lost his senses.
"Scorpius is here, looking for the key to what is inside my head." The harsh whisper, the wildly darting eyes remind me of not so long ago, in another lifetime, when he saw ghosts in the mirror, spoke to them, fought with them.
Suppressing the chill running down my spine, I strive for reason and clarity, and ignore the voice telling me that this method has proved useless before. "Stop using him as an excuse!"
"You're the key. My Achille's. You." There's such a strong conviction in John's voice that I can't help being drawn in by his words, by their muted urgency, worry and disbelief forgotten, if only for a few microts. "If he figures that one out…the world and all that's in it is nothing. He will use you, and the baby, and I will not be able to stop him."
The revelation, the words I have been longing for, are washed away by this surge of obsessed fear, and become almost irrelevant in the face of my concern for the state of his mind.
"Look what it's done to you. You're completely paranoid!"
"Pilot? Are we having a problem with the comms?"
Scorpius. His inquiry as studiously polite as ever, yet with a hint of… concern I would never have noticed a few moments ago. John is looking at me in silence, his eyes once more speaking for him, this time with a message I can read clearly. You see? Do you see now?
I'm not sure, John. If that is the danger we face, I don't know what would be your chances - or mine – of hiding something from Scorpius and his deep-reaching sight, as I'm not certain that he doesn't already know what you're struggling so hard to keep concealed. After all he was the one who brought me back here, wasn't he?
But I can also see the chasm isn't so deep or so wide that we can't still cross it.
Together.
It's a start, and it will have to be enough. For now.
"So– it's over." You're the key. My Achille's.
"It's over." Yet I keep coming back.
"There's nothing more between us." My point of reference. My one constant.
"Nothing." Except the smiles and the touch and the closeness.
Is this game really necessary? I don't know, but right now it's not important.
Let's play it, let's see where it leads.
What I know, what I feel, is that here, now, in each other's arms…we are going to be fine.
(a Farscape Fanfiction)
Author: Nymeria
Disclaimer: the Farscape universe and its characters do not belong to me - I'm just borrowing them for a little while.
Rating: PG
Setting: Season 4 Episode 14
=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*
"You know what the worst part of this is? You and me... we never could get it together. Now we never will."
There is truth in these words, of the naked, painful kind that strikes right on target.
How many times did we come within a dench of reaching our goal, just to have that chance stolen from us by some cruel twist of fate?
Fate meant for us to be together.
No, it meant to deceive us into believing it, just to laugh in our faces when we failed. Like now.
Oh, I know we've been weakened by that creature, robbed of our inner strength, sucked dry like so many kohna fruits. As I know we should keep resisting, not surrender any more ground than we already did.
But it's so hard. Exhaustion consumes us with an intensity that's second only to despair: I've lost the will to fight, as John has lost hope - an awful sight to behold.
"Aeryn I– I can't– I can't keep up. Go without me."
Before this, I would have lashed out in frustration, but I can't summon that kind of strength anymore, not even to goad him a little further.
That's the measure of my emptiness: I hardly challenge his plea, and comply with the barest of soul-tugs while I watch his prone form grow smaller in the distance.
We are going to be fine.
Somehow we made that real. By some incredible twist of good fortune we managed to survive once more and cheat fate.
And I'm back to myself, strength and anger flowing through my veins like fuel, my duty clear and my mission waiting to be carried out. No further delays. No more distractions.
I figure a relationship - the kind we're not having - is based on trust.
I did not tell you about the poppers. You did not tell me about the baby.
The time for silences is now over.
"Do you have any idea what you've done?" Frontal assault.
Waving the innocent-looking pod in front of John's face I feel this is the right approach: not the silent fury I used earlier, when I was still trying to deal with my pent-up emotions, nor the explosive, spider-induced rage that made me strike out at him.
"You won the coin toss." The distance in the voice does not match what I glimpse in the eyes, despite John's efforts to hide it. Why?
"But we lost. Didn't we?" Frelling fate! How long are we going to dwell on past mistakes? Or let them rule the future?
"Aeryn. It's over." I was taking that crap from Noranti…to forget you.
"So your mind is now so full of this dren that you can't even see straight." Is this the way you were testing yourself, working out what you really wanted?
"Move on, Aeryn." Again, the strained pleading at the bottom of his gaze that clashes with his words and their delivery. But I'm too furious to question it, I've held back too long, waited too long to let it distract me.
"You see, I did everything, everything I could to keep us together." Molded myself into a shape that did not fit me. Forced myself to watch and wait when my instincts screamed for action. Made myself weak. "I did exactly what you told me to do and the whole time you have been cheating!"
"Yeah, I'm the coward. Move on. It's over." Once more the mixed signals, the words saying one thing and the body language another. The eyes averted so I can't read them.
There can be only one explanation: the drug the old woman has been dosing him with must have frelled with his brain. This is going to end. Right now.
"I'm gonna tell you how this is gonna go from now. You are going to stop sniffing this dren!" You will not let it dictate what you want and feel and need. You will not surrender yourself to it anymore.
"Pilot! My comms are a bit buggy. Can you test the system please?" Despite my protests to the contrary, this sudden about-face leaves me speechless and worried - no, terrified that John might truly have lost his senses.
"Scorpius is here, looking for the key to what is inside my head." The harsh whisper, the wildly darting eyes remind me of not so long ago, in another lifetime, when he saw ghosts in the mirror, spoke to them, fought with them.
Suppressing the chill running down my spine, I strive for reason and clarity, and ignore the voice telling me that this method has proved useless before. "Stop using him as an excuse!"
"You're the key. My Achille's. You." There's such a strong conviction in John's voice that I can't help being drawn in by his words, by their muted urgency, worry and disbelief forgotten, if only for a few microts. "If he figures that one out…the world and all that's in it is nothing. He will use you, and the baby, and I will not be able to stop him."
The revelation, the words I have been longing for, are washed away by this surge of obsessed fear, and become almost irrelevant in the face of my concern for the state of his mind.
"Look what it's done to you. You're completely paranoid!"
"Pilot? Are we having a problem with the comms?"
Scorpius. His inquiry as studiously polite as ever, yet with a hint of… concern I would never have noticed a few moments ago. John is looking at me in silence, his eyes once more speaking for him, this time with a message I can read clearly. You see? Do you see now?
I'm not sure, John. If that is the danger we face, I don't know what would be your chances - or mine – of hiding something from Scorpius and his deep-reaching sight, as I'm not certain that he doesn't already know what you're struggling so hard to keep concealed. After all he was the one who brought me back here, wasn't he?
But I can also see the chasm isn't so deep or so wide that we can't still cross it.
Together.
It's a start, and it will have to be enough. For now.
"So– it's over." You're the key. My Achille's.
"It's over." Yet I keep coming back.
"There's nothing more between us." My point of reference. My one constant.
"Nothing." Except the smiles and the touch and the closeness.
Is this game really necessary? I don't know, but right now it's not important.
Let's play it, let's see where it leads.
What I know, what I feel, is that here, now, in each other's arms…we are going to be fine.
no subject
What I mean here - I have no problem with John being cold to Aeryn in Season 4, with him keeping distance and even with him taking laka, considering everything he went through, him being hurt, more than slightly mad and generally being tired of emotional roller-coaster. (As well as I have no problem with Aeryn's behavior after TalynJohn's death. No matter how painful it is to watch I love when characters in tv shows keeps psychological consistency, remember what they lived through and deal with consequences.) But this whole out of the blue Scorpius listening to the comms always annoys me here. He deserved that slap if only for that (got a little in advance, yeah, so what?:))).
Anyway - again good job with your lurking into Aeryn's mind! I like her noticing those mixed signals, like he doesn't know what to do himself, wanting one thing, deciding to do another, looking for way out, being lost in his own inner wars.
Let's play it, let's see where it leads.
She also isn't sure what to think here but decided to risk and take what she can right now. Gathering info, before deciding to take more action and call him on it? - you go, girl:)))
no subject
And who can "read" people's thermal signatures enough to recognize they are not what they claim to be (as in Nerve) or whether they are lying or not.
John probably thought that lakka would keep him safe from Scorpius' prying eyes, but in this he was (IMHO) quite mistaken. The continuing use of the drug (damn the old woman anyway! LOL) did in the end rob him of some lucidity.
I have no problem with John being cold to Aeryn in Season 4, with him keeping distance and even with him taking laka, considering everything he went through, him being hurt, more than slightly mad and generally being tired of emotional roller-coaster As well as I have no problem with Aeryn's behavior after TalynJohn's death.
Yes. There is indeed a form of revenge on the part of John - be it more the product of subconscious rather than a conscious decision, and while it's not a "nice" move, it's quite humanly understandable, especially in light of all that happened to him.
As is understandable - and, as you said, very life-like - Aeryn's reaction to her loss and the ensuing emotional pain. Which she is not able to withstand as other people because to her emotions are "uncharted territories" and she's just now learning to deal with them.
But this whole out of the blue Scorpius listening to the comms always annoys me here. He deserved that slap if only for that (got a little in advance, yeah, so what?:)))
LOL The slap is very satisfying, indeed.
And story-wise it's also very effective: until that moment Aeryn had been quite different from the woman John knew - passive, indecisive, without drive. When she slaps him, he seems almost to think "Hey, my girl is BACK!" - he seems *relieved* to see ass-kicking Aeryn once more.
Gathering info, before deciding to take more action and call him on it? - you go, girl:)))
LOL Our beloved soldier is now officially back! And she's taken back control. Go girl, indeed!
Thanks for stopping by and for the lovely comment! **goodvibes**