nymeria_dw

Aeryn's Journey - Infinite Possibilities
(a Farscape Fanfiction)

Author: Nymeria

Disclaimer: the Farscape universe and its characters do not belong to me - I'm just borrowing them for a little while.

Rating: PG

Setting: Season 3 - episode 14/15

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I've had Scorpy in my head for so long, that I've gotten used to it and– and not having him... It's like being in pain, your whole life. And suddenly it's gone.

Cruel symmetry.

I was barely used to your presence in my life, and now you're gone. Now pain has become my world.

A kind of pain I never encountered before, the kind I can't overcome through training and strength.

It comes from inside, from that place you unlocked and laid open and is now filled by screaming emptiness.

It's too quiet. There's too much silence, here.

I enjoyed silence once, annoyed when you broke it with your constant stream of barely understandable words.

Now that same silence is unbearable.

I wish that you would fill it with a flood of nonsense, so I could nag you about it, and see you smile.

I strain my ears trying to hear the sound of your breath. Knowing that you're not breathing anymore.

Knowing. Not accepting.

I'm very angry.

Anger does not work like it used to. Taking my mindless rage against something, or someone, would not stop the tide that threatens to drown me in bottomless despair.

I did drown, once, for real, and I still remember how peaceful it was. There was no pain, then.

I also remember soldiers on the battlefield, screaming with the agony of torn limbs.

I understand that agony now.

Now I know what it means to have something wrenched out of you, to gape in horror at the empty place where something vital used to be.

Something that was part of you. Knowing it's lost forever.

You made me– a better person.
And what have you made me?

I'm different because I love you.
But is different better? Is it more?

Aeryn Sun, John already has your strength.

Was that enough, John? Was it enough to…lead you to the place where you are now?

I did some good things. I'm proud of my life. And I'm with you.

Yes, you are.

If I close my eyes, if I refuse to feel the heat seeping out of your body, I can pretend you are.

Because I'm not ready to let you go.